The Mercy Seat

So these nutty Jesuits have invited me to join them to study theology at St. Louis University this fall. It was an invitation that this Franciscan could not resist. I am taken aback by this for many reasons.

The first of which is this: Theology is the crown jewel of academia. It is the  deepest type of communication, in which the prophets were well versed. The title, theologian, which claims one is a student of The Lord, and participant in his kingdom, again, presumes much.

I am overly humbled to profess this as my future profession, whether chosen or appointed.

 With my vast, but short life experiences, my liberal arts education, and my shallow faith, I know nothing of the sciences, and little of virtue. You can ask those who know my sins as well as my faith. I am not great at the practicing of my preaching, and am doubly great at the "do as I say, not as I do" line of teaching.

For this reason, I have hidden this last year among the orphans, speaking little of religion in the public sphere, but hoping often to find it among the poor, oppressed, and diseased. Praying fervently for patience and perseverance, and then not at all, overwhelmed by the stress of parenting 6 disordered teenagers; I either only prayed or only did not, seeking refuge in anything that was a distraction. I have discovered much about myself (being bitten by an HIV/hepatitis positive youth will give you a great amount of perspective). But I discovered truly, how much I do not know about myself. 

What I was given this last year is simple. I was given the gift of reality. Reality is a funny thing. It is the only thing I think that I know until I know it more. You could parallel this with Truth (one of the things Jesus called himself... Ooooh)

All of this is to say, the reality I grasp now, is the need of mercy, the need of grace. The reality I am at terms with is that I did not get here because of myself - there was a lot of help from friends and family many others known and unknown, and there was the help of Christ. What I am getting at it this: I am not able to do anything that is permanent, anything that is satisfying, anything that is actually real, apart from cooperating with the Lord. We are called to be co-creators, as we are called to be co-heirs.

So, terrified, I must go to the Mercy Seat, the chamber of confession. It is there that the gift of penance and freedom are given. Freedom to become the what I was made for. I'm a bit scared, I'm a bit excited. I'm moving to Missouri, of which I know little to get a master's degree, for which I am surely unqualified.

Pray for me.