1 "For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
- Ecclesiastes 3
As cliché as this passage has become, I think the author of Ecclesiastes, a person who calls himself the Gatherer and the son of David, nailed it when he penned these verses. This ancient poetry says something about the human condition, which even the Byrds were drawn to and could not ruin.
If you were to ask me one word to characterize my life right now, i would say change. Not Obama change that we can believe in, I'm talking about straight up demolition/reconstruction, remodeling, mutation. There was a severe storm, now this forest looks different, there was an earthquake, this ground now is different. My life is changing.
There are two things that you might know about me: I'm a control freak and I don't like change. Especially if I don't get to control the changes.
So you can be sure, right now, i am very uncomfortable. Possibly unstable. I'm in that place where if someone came up to me with a classic -I know you're going through a rough patch, cheer up, there there- face and asked me how I was, I'd be likely to go barking mad.
So what happened?
It all started about a month ago, but I didn't know it yet.
I was getting ready for a study abroad trip to Italy. Everyone kept asking if i was excited. Actually the answer was no. I was anxious to go and ready, but i was not "excited" I had no real expectations, something i had learned just leads to disappointment. I just did not know what to be excited for. Everyone else seemed to be super pumped and excited to go, if they were at a ten, i was a three. Not because i did not want to go, but because i didn't know what i wanted to do.
I've never left the United States before. I'm a recovering ex-patriot. Once the epitome of the American Spirit, I could quote you anything from the Constitution, Declaration, Federalist Papers, Common Sense, I knew dates, names, places, events, i could rationalize anything to keep up with the nationalistic patriotism that i inherited and adopted. Though i own no guns, i was a member of the NRA, I venerated Ronald Reagan, that's how American I have been known to be. A registered democrat just so that i could vote for the weaker candidate in their primaries and try to insure a republican win. I was that guy. Ethno/egocentric Sam Eagle. The person of satire, aware but foolish.
That began to fade out the more I actually read books and learned how to think, oh and that time when the Holy Spirit. (Don't get me wrong, still love America, but there are other countries in the world, countries that America sadly exploits and misses the mark when we "export democracy and freedom" but not justice)
Loosing that ethnocentric arrogance has been a big part of my conversion experience. - ie: Isaiah 55
“Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
2 Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?"
So I am in this framework on my way to Rome. Oh I’m also dating the girl of my dreams. Dating for a year, pursued her for 7 months before that. I was truly smitten, game-set-match. So I’m walking into this trip knowing that I will be away from her for 10 days, which is forever to two young kids holding on by a thread (did not know about the thread at this time)
So I went to Rome.
I saw a ton of things. I saw a ton of people (Rome is like New York City, except super ancient and full of churches [ton is speculation, I neither weighed the things nor the people])
I watched people and I was astounded at the age of culture and the age of this thing we call Christianity. I was impressed and disgusted with the Catholic Church at the same time (the Roman Catholic Church and I have a love-hate relationship right now, but you know what Rob Bell says, Love Wins).
Then we went to Assisi (if you haven’t been, go. Just do it. Its gorgeous. You won’t regret it.) On the last free day there, I climbed a mountain, or at least part of one. And it all began to hit me. I am so small. I am nothing. I’m so insignificant. An ant. I’ve seen nothing, I know nothing, I have nothing to offer. Ecclesiastes came to mind, so did the magnitude of the incarnation and crucifixion. Like really? What? We are nothing but vapor. And we’re not even really pleasing vapor, some friends of mine might call us depraved vapor, others corrupt, I’ll just say I am wretched vapor. And Christ died so I could live? The Holy Spirit was sent to council me? But I’m so insignificant. So weak.
I realized I knew nothing, had seen nothing, the word humbled can be applied here.
(I know blogs shouldn’t be more than about 1500 words, and probably much much shorter, so I’ll wrap it up here soon, for those who are still reading. Its fine, this is therapy more than sharing)
As I realized all of this, I realized my planning, desires, my certainty of so many things and the control I thought I could have over all of that was ridiculous. It was just silly.
So I got back and Caitlin was on the same page as I was. How could we desire each other more than anything else when we have seen nothing else?!
So I am re-realizing just how immature I am. I am pursuing holiness, looking for answers all over again and asking twice as many questions. Trying to love and really respond to the grace, which is costlier than we know.
On top of that two of my greatest friends have left St. Augustine, Mr. David Cotrone, Jr. and Mr. Samuel Jackson Hays IV. Also my mentor for the past 2+ years, Kelly Westropp is gone as of today.
But here is what I’m carrying in my pocket. This is what is keeping me sane and stable(ish):
“I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.” – Ecclesiastes 3:14-15
God’s work in my life isn’t going anywhere. That is the foundation. Not the people, him. The many parts and people that have helped mold me, are just agents. Though they may be gone, their effect is not. That is to be sure of. God is eternal and most certainly sovereign.
(There is a reason the subtitle to this blog is called an incomplete thought. You may have just gotten a taste of that
as far as any strange formatting... heck if i know, i just type words, the computer decides how they look)
