Sometimes I Feel Like God's Spoiled Brat

I find myself in a most remarkable predicament: grace upon grace has been showered over me this past year and a half. I am humbled, confused, and glad because of the many things God has done for me. I haven't seen any "Thanks God" Hallmark cards, so I guess I'll have get better at praying.

To briefly recap, in the last 18 months...
- I was invited to study theology at St. Louis University
- I, through no work of my own, found barter (non-cash) housing
- My parents helped me furnish and move to my new home
- I experienced the dark night of the soul that is grad school
- I found new friends to help me see in the dark
- I got through my first year
- I got a summer job that did not require me to memorize a selection of salad dressings
- I landed an awesome student-teacher position at one of the best college prep schools in the country
- I was awarded a once in a lifetime graduate assistantship
- I have been offered a deeper knowledge of God than I knew existed and given the tools to continue this pursuit
- I have been exposed to new vocations, new cultures, new people, and new life

God has been very good to me. I say this not to boast about my blessings, but to boast about the one who gives all things for our good. This past Sunday was the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. (*For my protestant friends, this is not about worshiping a piece of wood fashioned into a device of torture; rather, it is about the one who was lifted upon that cross for the purpose of life!)
In this liturgy, we sang Psalm 78 (by we, I mean the entire Catholic Church - lectionaries are cool, huh?). The response came from verse 7, "Do not forget the works of the Lord!" When I went back to read the psalm in full I was struck by this particular part:

"We will not hide them from their children;
    we will tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might,
    and the wonders that he has done."(v.4)

While this is fortuitous and inspirational for a future theology teacher, I share my happy circumstances because it is good to remember the works of the Lord - especially for us grad-students who are quick to forget his goodness and grumble...
(Let's be real, if a seraph serpent bit me, it would be warranted - Numbers 4-5)

--Checks for snakes--
But it would be really cool if I had like a week off from all this blessing stuff to sleep...

Four weeks into the semester... Your prayers are greatly appreciated!

On Pilgrimage

"She does not speak English but would like your prayers," whispered a middle aged woman in a thick accent from behind her elderly mother. I smiled and asked what I could pray for. After whispering in Chaldean (a neo-Aramaic dialect spoken in northern Iraq), the daughter said "She is in remission from cancer, but her daughter, my sister, now has it. Also, her son has left the Church and is living with his girlfriend." I was struck by the matter-of-fact translation of these prayer requests, and the weight of this old immigrant woman's daily burden. Nevertheless, I remembered my role as a prayer minister, collected myself, and was about to pray when the whispering resumed. "Also, and most of all, she would like your prayers for the people suffering in Iraq."

Wham! 
Like a blow to my entire being. Like all of the air in the church had left. Like I had been teleported to the rim of the Grand Canyon - just so God could show me how small, petty, ignorant, and proud I still am. After praying for the Holy Spirit's presence, intercession, and guidance, for a dozen or so Iraqi pilgrims, I should not have been surprised by his arrival. It was as though this old and hunched over woman, leaning on her cane, not able to speak a word of English, suddenly had a neon light flashing over her head: HUMILITY.

The amount of struggle in this woman's life! Being an alien in a foreign land, afflicted by disease, having children who are also afflicted, but also betray... but the most important thing I could pray for was the people suffering in Iraq... And, I should mention, she comes to the one prayer minister not wearing the Franciscan habit, not wearing any article of religious clothing, the one layman standing among a group of men who have taken Orders, many who have been raised to the dignity of priest, and she approaches me. Were the roles reversed, I wouldn't have even gone to me!

Again, remembering why I was standing in front of the alter rail after the Novena Devotions that afternoon, and recognizing the lines of people awaiting prayer, I placed my hand on her shoulder and began to pray. I had few words. How do I empathize with, let alone intercede for, a suffering that is so unknown to me? I prayed for consoling grace and for the Holy Spirit's comfort, I remember that, and that I was not especially eloquent.

After saying "amen" I looked up just in time to see the elderly woman raising her head with tears streaming down her face. Silent tears. She gently touched my hand and turned to leave the area in front of the alter rail where the other prayer ministers and I were standing. This elderly Iraqi immigrant did not speak any English, she knew of struggle more than most. Yet she was moved to tears by the simple experience of having her intentions heard and being prayed for by a fellow believer.

"Are any among you suffering? They should pray. Are any cheerful? They should sing songs of praise. Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up; and anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective." - James 5:13-16

This is just one of the many anecdotes I could tell you about my time in Carey, Ohio this past week. Carey, a small farm town north of Columbus, is home to the National Shrine and Basilica to Our Lady of Consolation. It has been a special place of pilgrimage for immigrant populations for over a century and has been entrusted to the care of the Conventual Franciscans for almost as long. Most recently, the Chaldean Catholic immigrants from Iraq have been coming in droves during the Novena and Feast for the Assumption of Mary. There were an estimated 5,000 pilgrims present, many camping in the Shrine Park, this past week. They are a people I never knew about, but they are a people who demonstrate hospitality, kindness, and humility better than most. My time there will be an experience that I surely draw on for years to come. 

On Vocation

For those reading this that may not know, and especially for those who may not understand, I would like to begin with a brief introduction of where I am at, and what I am doing. I do not mean, the "I'm Rob and I graduate student of theology at SLU." What I mean instead is this: Hi, I'm Rob and I am discerning my vocation. "Vocation" is a tricky word these days, especially amidst the re-establishment of "vocational" high schools, where it is viewed as a synonym of "profession" or "occupation." While this is not a completely false understanding of the word, it is missing the root of the term.

The Latin, vocare - to call, or vocatio - what one is called - has a greater meaning when brought to the deeper context of the ultimate questions, particularly with the divine. When we move beyond the shallow use of vocation meaning what one does, towards a more important question of identity - who one is, we can begin to see that vocation is a calling of the most intimate, intrinsic, and personal level.

Examples may prove to be helpful here. Some might say in the first sense that their vocation is a doctor, lawyer, or banker. In the second, they might say their vocation is wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter, or priest. It is not about what they do, but about the question of who they are on the deepest level.

All of that to explain that I am currently discerning my vocation, or my calling. God calls everyone to a vocation, for many this is married life, for others it is the single life, and for some this is the religious life - or the life of Orders. The term discernment is important because it connotes an important aspect of this process. I am not creating or inventing, I am prayerfully trying to perceive or recognize what is already there - my calling, my identity.

I recently met a friar who explained an interaction he had with a former minister general (think, president or archbishop) of the Conventual Franciscans. The minister general asked a group of recently professed friars what vocation was. Each friar gave a basic description as they understood it to the complete rejection of the minister. He then paraphrased Michelangelo and said, "Vocation is standing before the Lord as a block of marble and humbly handing him a hammer and chisel so that he may remove everything that you are not, and make you into what you are."

Michelangelo is of course reported to have said, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it."

It is not any easy task to release so much control, and to faithfully wake up each day and say, "Lord, I do not yet know what it is you are calling me to become, but I ask that you would direct my path and choices so that I may become it." An easier life would certainly be one where I follow desire and whim, choosing as I please. I have by no means mastered this yet, and there are days and weeks where, shamefully, I forget that this life is not my own, that being a Christian means to live for God and for others.

This is where my occupation as a student intersects with my vocational discernment. As I enter my second year as a student of theology, I am frequently asked a variety of questions that usually boil down to, "What is theology?" This question has existed for millennia and been hotly debated and contested. A number of definitions are suitable - the use of reason to explore faith, to speak about God, faith seeking understanding. However, many of these definitions lead me to think that this study of theology is simply an academic exercise or pure thought and speculation. I much prefer St. Bonaventure's definition, which goes further. He writes that theology "exists so that we might become good and be saved, and that this is not achieved through bare speculation, but by an inclination of the will."

The task of theology is, or at least should be, the same as the task of vocational discernment - to become what we were at creation ("God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good."), and what are by virtue of Christ's merit, and will continue to grow into. It is, in a sense, the task St. Paul gives in his Epistle to the Philippians. "... work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure." This means that this journey is neither passive, nor wholly in my complete control.

All of this I write to you so that you may know that these past few and next several months, I will be trying to discern my vocation, particularly as to whether is is to be with the Conventual Franciscans. I ask for your prayers and hope to write soon on my recent experience with the friars in Carey, Ohio.

On that poetry business again...

I find that often the "limits" of poetry aid in expressing what I am actually feeling, thinking, or experiencing. Here's a poem I wrote a few weeks back on an experience some Catholics may relate to:

Waiting for Grace

We sit, we stand, we kneel. 

Furtive glances and distant gazes

All afflicted by his traces.

Aligned as a motley jumble,

Our group dissimilarly humble.

Some are bent over perturbed and queasy,

Others calm, with facile faces,

And more still with patience dwindling, 

tap their toes, with peace or time suspending

Here he is! Godot, our friend!

Easily striding, smiling,

The physician of absolution has arrived.

All together. All asunder.

We wait 

With strange solidarity.

"I wonder what he did?"

The thoughts creep in,

But alas, it is no matter.

For all have known the good and wandered.

All together, prodigal.

All together, killing Christ, and ourselves.

All together begging, wishing, hoping,

To return to the well and drink.

To return from the slop of pigs.

To return to solace, self, and senses.

Entering the small nook, partitioned,

Each of us convalescing, as the phlebotomist goes about his work. 

Hydration, from each the spring,

Refreshes

Those parts most destressing.

Outward appearances mean little,

The medicine is prescribed. We all emerge from our physician

Freshly revived from our affliction. 

Slowly, surely, ease returning.

Gathering strength to keep the journey.

Gathered again with sweetest savor, 

Returning together, pruned sheep, at the shepherd's table.

The Cross: Center and Skewer of the Truth, Some Personal Thoughts in the Midst of the Paschal Triduum

We often think about what God has done in history to describe who God is. While this can be helpful, and surely is important for the purpose of passing on the faith, I think it has given way to an overly myopic understanding of the Gospel of the Kingdom, the essence of creation, and an authentic understanding of the self. What I mean to get at is this – The incarnation, the second person of the trinity becoming man, is a miracle in an of itself. The ministry that he did for 1-3 years that the gospels of the New Testament attest to, is miraculous. Furthermore, the willful subjugation and acceptance of torture and death by the Divine Word Himself, is astounding. These things are tremendous and incredible. But they tell us more about “how” God acts and what God does more than they express “who” or “why” God is. We get pieces, and faith gives us some room for conjecture, but we must be very very careful in this mode, especially with regards to our ethno- and ego-centric biases.

It is not uncommon for Christians to say things like, “God is infinite and unknowable,” and a moment later say, “God is love.” While scripture maintains that both statements are true, the way we receive them is often not. We say the words, we comprehend the notions in some sense, but it is not the reality – at least oftentimes for myself.

WE PUT GOD IN A BOX. And we like him in that box because it gives us a feeling of control, comfort, and safety, while still affirming our connection to something bigger than ourselves – the Ultimate. The only problem is, unless we open the box, how can we know if the God inside is alive or dead? (Think: Schrodinger’s cat) What is not perceived cannot be communicated – reality is collapsed. AND we prohibit God to truly be the ultimate of our lives.

BUT, no Christian I have ever met would dare to deny that God is the eternal, immutable, creator of all things, completely omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. How can we say such absurd, daring, and dangerous things, and still thing we are in control?

God, as this first principle, is establishing relationship with his creation throughout all of history, creating the world, making humans (in his likeness!) - as an expression of his own goodness, truth, power, and unity. If this is the case – the focus of Christmas, Easter, and our very lives cannot be on us. We love the idea that God is for us (and he is), but we can’t stop there. God is for us because he is good. But when we are not for God, then WE ARE NOT BEING HUMAN. God intended for us to be in union with him since the time of creation. He is not an object to be used. He found it pleasing, for whatever reason, to create imperfect people with free will. He called it VERY GOOD when he made man. Woman – the last thing we see made on the sixth day, is the very crown jewel of all the creation, and yet we use patrimony to stifle those who bear us in their wombs and give us life from their breasts. We have a broken understanding of the divine order. We have a selfish understanding of the world.

HERE is the bad syllogism that we get lost in – God made us, we sinned, God became man to repair our sin, we’re all happy now. Do you see the disconnect? We go from being made out of this earth (that was a formless void only a few days prior), to breaking the ecosystem God just made. Because we broke it and can not fix it ourselves, He humbles himself in flesh and death. And now we think God exists FOR us? Like he exists because we need somebody to help us out, get us out of binds, and get us the things we desire?

We have gotten too lost in the consumer mindset.

- God doesn’t exist for us; God exists. We don’t simply exist; we exist because of Him.

- God is not another item that we buy from the store to put in our houses.

- He is not another person to be used in another one of our transactional relationships.

- He is to be known, loved, honored, and praised by the people He made in His image simply because He IS.

The Cross, the crucifixion and subsequent resurrection – these are the methods God chose, so that we could again see the reality, that would enable us to return to our truly human selves - made in image and likeness, by him and for him - not ourselves.

These miraculous gestures of love – the cross and empty tomb – they magnify God, they demonstrate how he is towards us – but we must follow the story from its beginning to its end. God begins, He is. Then, because of him, we are. He calls us good, we fail, he intercedes, still seeing us as valuable, we return to union, to know, love, and be happy in him. Our existence is wasted and vain if it is for us. This is the danger in stopping after we say, “God is for us.” God is for us, because he is for himself, and he himself is goodness itself.

When we view the Cross wrongly, we become consumers of God. But, simply stated, the Cross exists so that we may be consumed. We are made for more, and that is what the miracles of the Cross and Resurrection demonstrate for us. This can only be ascertained by starting with how God is and what God does so that we may progress to a mere inkling about who God is. Our selfish certainty is our downfall and a perversion of Truth.

May we remember this Easter that apart from God we are vapor, animated dust in the wind, merely existing without a true nature, purpose, or duty. May we remember that he is life itself.

Not a sermon, just some thoughts from a failed and failing sinner who is trying. 

A Sinner's Prayer

What, oh lord, could I do to make you rejoice?

On Evangelism and Enculturation

A hefty portion of the literature on the New Evangelization has mentioned the method of acculturation or inculturation (variant spellings of enculturation). To be sure, the call to witness is primary in beginning any evangelization activity, however, there are a variety of ways that do this well, and others that surely do not.

In light of today's gospel text and some recent political news, I'd like to offer a brief reflection.

This past Tuesday, Kansas State Legislature passed a bill concerning religious freedom and marriage. On the face, the bill seems to be aimed at protecting religious individuals' and groups' sensibilities. What it actually does is allow anti-gay segregation. Slate has an informative, and clearly biased, report on the bill found here.

When Christians talk about enculturation, they often mean going against the current of a secular society to propagate the values, morals, and worldviews on the secular culture. This has been done throughout the history of the Church. Constantine made Christianity legal and publicly supported the Church with funds and buildings. Slowly, Christian values and culture became the societal norm. Again, the Germanic tribes slowly adopted the Roman Christian culture throughout the early middle ages. Sometimes, it was done to allow the process of evangelization and conversion to be swifter and easier. For example, Pope Gregory the Great instructs Augustine of Canterbury to leave the pagan temples, only removing the false idols and re-purposing building as a worship space for the one true God. This happened throughout the history of the Church, sometimes successfully, sometimes without full conversion - a la Central and South American Catholic superstitions.

Texts on the New Evangelization often highlight the need to engrain Christian identity into cultures to more effectively transmit and reflect the reality of the Kingdom of God. I posit, however, that this can be a dangerous game. When done without the spirit of love and a desire for conversion, the ideals of a Christian society can become arrogant, restrictive, and hurtful. This is not to undermine the offensive nature of the Gospel, but to highlight the need for positive witness.

Today's Gospel reading was the middle of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5. The text reads from verse 17, "Think not that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets; I have come not to abolish them but to fulfill them," and concludes with verse 37, "Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil." This is the same portion of scripture where Jesus tells us that lust is as bad as adultery and hate is as heinous as murder. To summarize, Jesus communicates that it is the spirit of our action that demonstrates our satisfaction of the law.

What does this say about evangelization and enculturation? Our witness and our effect on culture must carry the spirit of love, not just with concern for how we communicate, but also with how our communications are received. This is not to say that we should be soft on our expectation, or overly tolerant of what some would term deviant behavior; I am simply saying that we need to be conscious of how we speak and how we are heard in a rapidly secularizing society and culture. Where religion and intelligence are not valued, we must avoid the tendency to entrench ourselves in fights that are about nuances in a disciple's life, not conversion. This leads to a response like that of the state of Kansas: a response to the culture out of fear, not out of love; out of resistance, and not courage.

Need I comment on what love entails? St. Paul reminds us in his first letter to the Corinthians, "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right." (13:4-6)

In dealing with the obnoxious divisions between Christian and secular cultures, we must not be afraid, but we must also not be rash or overly offended by the manner in which life is lived apart from Christ. How can we expect our own values, which can only be rationalized with revelation through conversion by way of an experience with the person of Christ, to fit a non-Christian culture?

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, spoke in 2011 regarding the cultural shift that we continue to encounter today.

"The current crisis brings with it traces of the exclusion of God from people’s lives, from a generalized indifference towards the Christian faith to an attempt to marginalize it from public life. In the past decades, it was still possible to find a general Christian sensibility which unified the common experience of entire generations raised in the shadow of the faith which had shaped culture. Today, unfortunately, we are witnessing a drama of fragmentation which no longer acknowledges a unifying reference point; moreover, it often occurs that people wish to belong to the Church, but they are strongly shaped by a vision of life which is in contrast with the faith.

Proclaiming Jesus Christ the only Saviour of the World, today is more complex than in the past; but our task remains identical to that at the dawn of our history. The mission has not changed.... The Holy Spirit which prompted [the Apostles] ... is the same Spirit which today moves the Church to a renewed proclamation of hope for the people of our time." 

The virtue most closely tied to hope is patience. Patience is also a quality of love. It is not a quality that is passive, but is enduring. Let us act patiently out of love and with respect to our hope, not divisively or hatefully. Christians need not cease to be reeds shaking in the wind in order to effectively be kind and generous witnesses to the love that God lavishes us with. It is that witness that enables appropriate and effective evangelization and cultural changes. Let us not forget, the only offensive aspect of the whole armour of God is "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 6:17). Everything else is defensive. The Word alone can act, everything else sustains, maintains, and defends the Christian against the devil, who is our adversary, not our neighbor. 

* 2/19/14 - It has been brought to my attention that perhaps the intention of this law was to allow religious individuals to have authority over their goods and service in such a way that they would not be used to expressly support activities and ideals that are opposed to their religious sensibilities. I have no qualms with such a legislative measure, which would effectively maintain both individual and religious liberty. This bill, which the Kansas Senate has blocked, would not have preserved liberty, but in fact indicted all LGBTQ individuals to potential discrimination and segregation.

On a separate note, I would like to point out that while there is no such thing as a truly victimless crime (legal) or sin (religious), there are those which offend/harm others physically and those which only do harm the acting individual - either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. In a landscape with growing secularism, regardless of a waning Christian culture, it is an affront on the personal dignity and freedom of an individual to say, "You are not welcome," especially when the first saving action of our Lord (apart from the incarnation) is to say, "You are welcome" to every person. This is the first grace that allows us to say, "I will allow myself to be welcomed." As Christians, we have the obligation to welcome all, as Christ did, regardless of any person's or group's morality, ethic, religion, or attitude. Clearly, there is also an imperative to also be excellent and to call other's to that excellence, which only comes by way of welcome (witness) and word (proclamation) so that all might believe and be changed fundamentally and ontologically, not merely in their moral choices and attitudes. This highlights my point that only real conversion will change anything, culturally or salvifically. Entrenchment in ideals is not Christian when it ceases the welcoming witness after the Christ's own model, which is a grace conferred through the sacraments and life in the Church.